22 September 2025

How to Support Someone Who’s Struggling Emotionally

When someone you care about is going through anxiety, depression, grief, or other emotional distress — it’s natural to want to help. But “wanting to help” doesn’t always translate into helpfulness. Research over the past decade shows there are specific ways of giving support that do more good, and ways that, even with good intentions, can backfire. Here’s what to know.

What Research Tells Us Works

1. Emotional & perceived support from close relationships improves well-being.
   Studies show that people who believe their family or friends are available to support them emotionally tend to have lower depression, anxiety, and higher overall psychological well-being. A recent large study in BMC Public Health found that perceived family support was strongly linked to emotional, social, and psychological well-being.
2. Active (empathetic) listening & validation.
   One of the strongest findings is that people benefit when they feel heard and understood, not judged or corrected. Letting someone express their feelings, reflecting back what you’re hearing (“It sounds like”, “You seem to be feeling…”) and validating that their feelings make sense given what they’re going through helps reduce shame and isolation.
3. Matching support to what the person needs.
   It’s not always obvious what type of support will be most helpful. Sometimes people want someone to problem-solve; other times just to sit with their sadness. Research emphasizes asking “What do you need from me right now?” rather than assuming.
4. Practical (instrumental) support reduces stress.
   Helping with tasks, relieving small burdens (childcare, errands, cooking) can materially ease someone’s stress. Social support isn’t just emotional: useful practical assistance contributes significantly to emotional relief.
5. Balance of giving and receiving support matters.
   There is evidence that people who always give support and never receive it (or vice versa) tend to have worse mental health outcomes. Support is healthiest when there’s a two-way flow or at least a perceived possibility of reciprocity or gratitude.
6. Small gestures & surprise kindness can help.
   One recent study found that giving small gifts (or doing small acts that show thought) after a negative event improved emotional recovery more than just conversations in some cases. The gift signals care and attention.

What Research Warns Doesn’t Help (Or Can Make Things Worse)

1. Minimizing or dismissing feelings.
   Saying things like “Don’t worry about it,” “It could be worse,” “Just cheer up,” tends to increase isolation. It makes people feel invalidated or that their pain isn’t legitimate.
2. Over-giving or rescue mode.
   When someone always steps in and tries to “fix” or rescue, it can reduce the other person’s sense of agency. Also, if the support giver neglects their boundaries or self-care, this leads to burnout and negative emotions for both parties. Imbalanced support (always giving, no receiving) is linked to psychological distress.
3. Offering unsolicited advice too quickly.
   Jumping to solutions before fully listening can backfire. People often need to feel heard first; then they may or may not want help with action steps. Advice can feel dismissive if given prematurely.
4. Mis-matching the type of support.
   Some people want distraction, others want discussion. If you push someone to talk when they want space, or try to cheer them up when they’re in grief, it can feel invalidating.
5. Creating dependency or fostering overreliance.
   If the person you’re supporting comes to expect you to always be available, they may not try to build their own coping skills or seek professional help when needed. This can keep emotional problems persistent or worse. (Imbalanced giving/receiving contributes to this.)

What You Can Actually Do: Practical Tips

• Ask what they need, then follow their lead.
  “Would you like to talk about it, or just sit quietly together?”
• Listen with your whole self.
  Put away distractions. Use open body language. Reflect back what you hear.
• Validate feelings.
  “That sounds really hard.” “I can see why you’d feel upset.”
• Offer small acts of care.
  Cook something, send a small thoughtful message, bring tea—these show you’re thinking of them.
• Check back in.
  Emotional support isn’t one-and-done. A quick message next day or week shows consistency and that they’re not alone.
• Support their coping, don’t “fix” everything.
  Help them see their own strengths. If they want ideas, brainstorm together. If not, be present.
• Respect boundaries & space.
  Sometimes people need solitude. Checking what they want (to talk or not) is critical.
• Encourage professional help when needed.
  If distress is severe, long-lasting, or interfering with daily life, sometimes friends/family support isn’t enough—and that’s okay.
• Balance your support with self-care.
  You’re not a therapist. If you get overwhelmed, seek support for yourself, set limits so you don’t burn out.